Faith&Hope.

Hallu

I'm

Little

Miss

Nut

Why, hello there.

Well, sometimes I think I'm sick of talking. So when I am, I realise I still want and need to let it all out. When that happens, I tweet. But I can no longer tweet freely can I? Cos apparently I have obligations to tell people things. Obligations. Funny word. Never liked it.. think i never will. So anyway, back to my story, I'm sick and tired of bullshit from people.. so I run away from reality. Ok fine, not really. I just come here.. and say out everything and we;;, no one will judge me (: Pathetic, I know, but what else can a girl like me do? It's aight.. im fine this way (:

if you are reading this, then thats just it. nothing else. haha. ok byebye, have a nice day (:

Nut ♥ 17!

Firstly, im the weird girl that make people say "Whoa" when they take one look at me. I scream, laugh and jump anytime I want to & feel like. Im obsessed with tweeting and just recently, instagram too. My love for the arts is indescribable. I don't regret ever being involved in Guzheng, Youth Flying Club, Dikir, and all the other things that i've been exposed to my whole life. I spent 6 years in PLMGS then 4 in Xinmin, and now im in NYJC Alhamdullilah Secondly, I wna get an everlasting movie card and a swim in a hot chocolate swimming pool. Twentytwo.One.Ninetyfive are the numbers. (You'd better remember!) Third, I have a money-spending problem and just can't get enough of purple, orange and bunnies. Im in urgent need of growing taller and losing weight so all help would be appreciated. Next, I understand that my family ain't perfect but believe it or not, i love them! ;) Im also a fickleminded-sucker who makes wrong choices every now and then. I wanna be a billionaire, so fucking bad. Heh, yes please. Finally, there is no such thing as too much chocolate or cheese. (Okay fine, sometimes they're too much. Heh.) TYVM :D

Saturday, October 17, 2009

I've had enough. I dont care what happens to me anymore. She wants to make me her puppet? dog? Whdev man, i'll follow everything. I'll stop whdev she doesnt want me to do and i no longer have any wants. I dont want dikir, i dont want to go out, i dont want to have fun. Whatever lah . This life is mine, but is for her to control and decide. So, now i think back, what's th point of having many choices, when actually, th decision is not yrs to make? My eyes havnt been this swollen before. I dont feel like going to sch later. But shall force myself. I wonder how come people say a mother knows you best. But, my mom doesnt even knw th simplest things about me, down to my favorite color and passions. I think i have used names on her for too long, so, i shall make a paragraph, on my mom.

My mom, is a mom. She works she sometimes cooks. She says she loves me, and she says she hates all my friends, from th start when i got my first friends in childcare. My mom makes gives me choices, but makes th decision for me. She says she always lets me go out, but, i've never been to a full birhtday party. I sound freaking pathetic, but today im gna be totally honest. She says, you go ahead and do whdev you want, and i'll stand by yr side, but she hates my love for dikir, and she stopped me from going to skipping cca last time. She says i'll always be there, but i've never seen her in th audience clapping for me , since, i dont knw when. I've never been able to think back and say, hey, when i was in primary sch, i used to have loads of fun. Why? Bcos, when i look back at th things i ever did, i threw away all my birthday invitations, bcos i knw my mom will just say she'll think about it, and then make excuses for not letting me go. I was never invited to go out, bcos everyone knws i'll never go. After sch i'd come home, and read a book till 4 bfore meeting my mom for dinner. That's whd i've been doing for th 6 years i was in primary sch. thts most of it. I've never been to any class outings too, bcos my mom has always been saying its no fun. I became a pathetic no fun girl, who only knws how to make fun things, bcome unfun. I've always stuck to th rules, cos my mom said, if i'd do tht, she'll let me have fun. But she lied. She lied, over and over agn. I trusted her, for 6 years in my primary sch. and she never lived up to her promises, i did good in my studies, i never get anything for tht, she gets money, honor, and i have no idea what else. I get to talk to all her adult friends. So when im 13 i decided, why th fuck follow all these rules and lies, when i knw, with her, i'll never get anything, i changed. i changed to hope that i can feel th fun tht i've never had bfore. i want to get to see places tht i've never been to at all. I want to watch movies with friends to see how it really feels, to have someone who actually likes to talk about how th characters dress. So with tht done, i had almost 2 years of fun, until now. I give up now. I'll let her use me. Let her use me as a second life. To do all th things to me, tht she always did at my age. She never went out, so i cant go out. She never had friends, so i cant have friends. She never talked to guys, so i cant talk to guys. She never bought clothes, so i cant buy. She hated dikir, so i hate dikir. She loves chinese orchestra, so i love guzheng. She never watched movies, so i cant go to theatres. She hates, i hate, she loves, i love.

Please, people reading, dont ever try to ask me stuff bout this.
The things i've told some of you, all of it, th stories, are just half of what is going on.
The other half, is still with me, and no, im not planning to tell anyone anything.
No more, im not gna tell anyone anything anymore. Its for me to knw and for no one to find out.

Nut, only allah knws what im going through, i wish i can ask advice from th almighty but, i knw i cant. i dont trust anyone . not even me, so this is why, i will never ever open up anymore. I dont want people to knw me. I want to just keep everything to myself. I dont care if my insides were to burst and i end my problems simply. I no longer want to be a person, Im just a puppet, tht will follow orders from my maker. (Y)