Today, I just feel like I should pour my feelings and thoughts out, somewhere. Honestly, I can't remember the last time I felt this empty. Yes, on the outside I seem preoccupied and distracted. But that's because I'm just trying to forget about the thoughts that lurk at the corner of my mind.. Like somewhere dark. Honestly speaking, I have no idea how I am ever going to get over you. Yes, we were just friends, but what we had, like I've said time and again, is far more than anything I can ever imagine of. Maybe I'm not making sense, but that's just the whole idea of me penning down everything I have in my mind. Like I've sad before, what we had was far beyond a boyfriend-girlfriend thing. Every single time I question my decisions and actions, I have to remind myself of the pain that I went through last year, and how it is everything I fear. Maybe it's just inevitable that I can never be in anything close to a relationship. Maybe I'm just better off alone. The thing is, I kinda was, for the past 2/3 years. But with you around, I never needed anyone else. Never had a boyfriend, and I didn't need one. Why did things have to go so wrong? I keep myself busy, just so that I wouldn't have the time to ponder about all these things. But oh well, they say you can't keep running away right? Day after day I miss you.. and I wonder if I will ever be able to open up to someone else, like how I did with you. But I'm just too afraid. Philophobia at it's peak.
Abrupt. But I don't want to go any further with my thoughts. Bye.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
I hate it that every person i open up to ends up hurting me in the end. why why whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
i cant just be comfortable with anyone anymore without having to be exclusive with them. im so sick and tired of pain. i miss syafiq so much. it has barely been 3 weeks and the pain is getting more and more unbearable. and what man. who the hell are you to interrogate me. nurd. why u make me sad. you knw how much pain im going thru with fiq. you knw how much i miss him. yet you put me thru all this shit today. thanks. hidhir, stay out ok.
im sick of opening up to guys, really hoping they'd be different, and then ending up with the same shit. my heart aches. real bad.
i hate to go to school with swollen eyes. people are starting to notice
Saturday, August 11, 2012
to our national day song years ago, Home, as im typing this post.
Remembering that morning where we were all gathered together, singing
our national anthem proudly, taking the pledge with pride, and singing
this song together. wow, where do i begin...
Let's start with my awesome group shall we (:
Lovegood, as in Luna Lovegood. They're the best camp mates anyone
could ask for. Motivating, caring, brothers, sisters, name it, they're
everything and more. (': miss them so much already.
Now, day by day? Ok leggo.
we started out with the different
station games that made us strategise and wht not. felt likka ice
breaker luh. one of the more memorable out of the many was the magic
stick one. so proud of lovegood that we were the first to complete it ^^
likka prooooo. heh. all about team work luh. think it was thanks to
arne? cant really rmb it so well. after the games was the high elements
:D like every other camp, i always love high elements. there was even
bouldering. hahahaha. funny but okay luh. there was this barrel hug
thing that had me walking on a tight rope and nothing else to grab on except for the barrel at the end. exhilirating uh, seriously. hahhaaha. nice.
"what goes around comes back around" hahah
yeah, night time wasnt much, just reflection and stuff like that... Day
2 we left early for ubin and set up our tents straight away. we kept
changing alot uh, like from one spot to another. managed to choose one
finally, and the guys and girls tents were right next to each other,
awwwwww. our common eating area was like right in the middle of our two tents. i slept there too, while they had breakfast in the morning hahahah. anw, trekking was really.. wow. like it was really a mental-physical kinda thing. my head kept saying "come on, you can do this, go" but i was really really burnout. thank god for my supportive lovers. i dont know what i'd do without them. i was silenced awhile, so that others could step out. but actually, i suck at mapping so haha, i was like, phew! marcus too luh. but i guess everyone else stood out more later on. oh yeah! there was also outdoor cooking. cooked spaghetti for them. hahaha well cos i was fasting muh. yeah that.
after trekking we couldnt bathe. yay ._. hahahahaha had my first powder bath. kekek. there was like this area when all the guys and girls powder bathed. sleep was fast. its like i put my head down, close my eyes, and poof, its time to bangun for sahur. din manage to sahur for the 3rd day tho cos the facis din wake up in time. but i made milo in a tin can. hahahahahha cool.
water sports was awesome. rafting and kayaking. tiring as hell. everyone, including me, always get excited hearing that we're gonna do water acts. but then when yre out on the water, its like 'damn when is it gonna end' rafting was good uh, we managed to make out raft really stable. tho we din get to test it, we werent more than half in the water. we were gooooooooooooooood <: heheh="heheh" nbsp="nbsp" p="p">
after water acts we had this role playing thing, i had such a self-realisation moment when i listened to all the different types of personalities. i wanted to cry. i teared. thinking of all the times i thought wrongly of my peers in my team. i felt like a devil. horrible. i think back to all the times i've been approached by people with different personalities and i've thought badly of these people who had only the best in mind. guilt yknw. yeah. role playing was hilarious nevertheless and after that it was just time for our final yule ball prep.
before camp we, the yule ball ics, really prepped alot and we really wanted the best performance for dumbledore. so we were quite upset, i was pissed, when there was no yule ball time on the first night at labrador. afterwards on the second night, at the campsite, wow everyone was amazing and quick. it was actually dark and honestly it wouldve been hard to coordinate, but everyone worked to well, and like there were impromptu dance items, which is the thriller, then nurd and yusuf did an awesome job in collaborating. then the slow dance and the singers were even more awesome too, like an acapella leading the dance, like WOW. seriously, you guys have to be there. too awesome for words. i was screaming frm the side watching my whole yule ball performance unfold. too awesome rdy.. too awesome. (':
before we know it, it's the last day and we're packing to leave for singapore again. we sang our hearts out in the morning for national day. and like gave it our all as one camp. we banja-ed and we sang, and we played, and we laughed. we cried, everything. this is one camp i will never forget. (':
oh yes, the lovers voted me as the seeker (': touched out of words. i mean, they're the one who gave me the mental strength to carry on, helped me, took care of me, and watched out for me. and i have to say again, that they are the best lovers anyone could ever ask for.
i hope LTC was just the beginning of our friendship and that we'd grow to become a closer group and a more awesome friends. i dont want to read this post a year later thinking, wow, i miss them, i wish i can still go back and rewind just to spend time with them. i hope that we can go through a levels together too, make sure that everyone promotes. make sure that we will go thru another tough route together, as one team.
I'd end this with our signature cheer.
WHO ARE THE LOVERS, YEAH
WE ARE THE LOVERS, YEAH
WE CAME TO CONQUER, YEAH
WE ARE LOVEEEEGOOOOOD ~
seekers from the start (:
And here I am listening to our song over and over again, thinking how much i miss you so bad.. after all these months, and being almost 2 years, i still miss you and your presence. tell me im stupid. maybe i woke up on the wrong side of bed and all this is unfolding. with the stress of school work and results. no one knows. no one knows how much i miss you right now. your hugs and kisses. the warmth you give me. the protection you provided. )': i miss you so much. everytime i told myself that im over you, that im happy it happened, i can never promise that i wont shed tears thinking about you in the future again. and well, here i am. heart super heavy and eyes tearing. who ever knew that i'll never be able to get over you.. all these crushes and eye candy somehow cant be compared to what you and i had. i just cant find the right words, honestly. why am i so screwed and sad on a sunday morning, i also dont know. one thing's for sure, i really wish i can hug you and make up and just be with you. i have no idea what it is about you that is so damn different that i feel this way. sigh. why.
in school, im back to my butterfly ways. not saying its good, but then again not saying its very bad. crushes come and go. eye candies too. can never understand what im fully feeling and i can never feel if its genuine. i dont knw if every like is a phase. and im too uptight with everything else. i just want to be there, singing for you like i used to.. talking to you like i used to.. too late now.. far too late.
i realise, it was only just a dream